John Heaton (jheaton) wrote,
John Heaton

Ten random things: Reader Request Month, day 41

Ten things without which I could not live:

  1. Shelter
  2. Blood
  3. Vitamin C
  4. A brain
  5. Water
  6. Homeostasis
  7. Food
  8. Oxygen
  9. A heart
  10. The ability to metabolize food into energy/mass

jenelope was curious as to what items I could not live without. I apologize for the literal nature of this list, but I'm personally not comfortable saying that I couldn't live without, say, my laptop computer, when I know there are millions of people literally starving to death around the world. I'm all for exaggeration for humorous effect, but in this case I personally don't feel it's appropriate.

But just to show I'm not some humorless drudge, let me point out that number 9 reminds me of my very favorite Itchy and Scratchy episode. It's the one where Itchy literally rips out Scratchy's heart and gives it to him as a Valentine's Day gift. Scratchy takes it home, places it on a shelf, and opens his newspaper to find an article with the headline, "YOU NEED A HEART TO LIVE." Scratchy makes a mad scramble to retrieve and replace his heart, but instead he horribly expires. It's funny because it's true! but also because so much time passes between the ripping out of the heart and the expiration. It's like one of those suspended-in-midair-until-you-realize-you've-run-off-the-cliff gags writ large.


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