John Heaton (jheaton) wrote,
John Heaton

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Advent 2006: A Holiday Wish

A Holiday Wish

     If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

     If I had two wishes that I could wish for this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace… and the second would be for $30 million a month to be given to me, tax-free, in a Swiss bank account.

     You know, if I had three wishes that I could make this holiday season, first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing… the second would be for the $30 million every month to me… and the third would be for all encompassing power over every living being thing in the entire universe.

     And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, first would be the crap about the kids… second would be for the $30 million… the third would be for all the power… and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year for an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina somebody, I can’t think of her name, of course my lovely wife could come, too. She’s behind me 100% on this, I guarantee you.

     Wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should be the first wish! So, if I made that the first wish, because, you know, it could all go boom tomorrow, and then what have you got? No, no… the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. No, no, who am I kidding! I mean, they’re not gonna be able to get all those kids together! I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible! It’s more trouble than it’s worth!

     So, we reorganize: here we go. First, the sex — we go with that; second, the money. No! We go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids. Oh, wait, oh geez! I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay… revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in Hell! That would be the fourth wish! And of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of peace and harmony.

     Thank you, everybody.

Steve Martin (b. 1945)

This was one of the first pieces I selected for this year's Advent project, and it as well as any typifies what sets this project apart from the one I did in 2003. For one thing, it's not a poem at all; it's a monologue performed by Steve Martin on the December 6, 1986, episode of Saturday Night Live. Second, it's a contemporary work. In 2003, twenty-one of the thirty-eight featured poems were from the 15th through the 19th centuries; this time around, only fifteen of the thirty-five works predate the 20th century. And lastly, it's funny. I made a conscious effort to include a larger number of light-hearted works this year.

Incidentally, while I might quibble with the order, I would have no particular problem accepting these five wishes.

Previous Advent posts:

Tags: poet's corner

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