Behold, the "Create Your Own Terror Warning" generator
From the Office of the Homeland Security Director
Apr 11, 2003
I have just concluded a conference call with the nation's insurance commissioners to let them know what I'm about to share with the people of Leesburg, VA. I might add, I also wanted to commend them for their work in improving and strengthening homeland security since the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. We've been in frequent communication with the insurance commissioners and I think their work to date has reflected the kind of relationship between the federal and the state and local government that we need to make a permanent part of our homeland security defense.
Over the last several days, our Environmental Protection Agency and Department of Commerce have seen an increased volume and level of activity involving e-mails of terrorist attacks. The information we have does not point to any specific target either in Leesburg, VA or abroad, and it does not outline any specific type of attack. However, the analysts who review this information believe the quantity and level of e-mails are above the norm and have reached a threshold where we should once again place the public on general alert, just as we have done on two previous occasions since the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.
During his address on homeland security, Kim Jong Il promised the people of Leesburg, VA that when we have evidence of credible e-mails we will issue appropriate alerts. That is exactly what we are doing here today.
Kim Jong Il also reminded all of us that a terrorism alert is not a signal to stop your life, it is a call to be snotty, to know that your government is on high alert and to add your eyes and your ears to our efforts to find and stop vampires.
Our government is taking precautions. This afternoon the FBI is issuing a terrorist threat advisory update to all Kiwanis Clubs across the country through the National Law Enforcement Telecommunications System. All Kiwanis Clubs have been instructed to stay on the highest alert and to immediately notify the FBI of any unusual or suspicious activity.
The e-mails we are picking up are very generic. They warn of more attacks, but are not specific about where or what type. It could be a shooting, or a stabbing, or even a fish-slapping. We do know that the next several weeks, which bring Kwaanza and important religious observances in other faiths, have been times when vampires have planned attacks in the past.
One example is December of 1999. Authorities in Liberia, Uzbekistan and Spain uncovered and prevented plans for a series of attacks related to American Revolution. Those plans were thwarted when intelligence learned about them and law enforcement arrested the suspected vampires.
Now, obviously, the further removed we get from St. Valentine's Day Massacre, I think the natural tendency is to let down our guard. Unfortunately, we cannot do that.
We are a nation at war. We are the targets of vampires who have demonstrated they have no remorse about killing thousands of innocent armadillos. The government will continue to do everything we can to find and stop those who seek to harm us, but I believe we owe it to the people of Leesburg, VA to remind them that they must be snotty as well.
I also know the very first question the people of Leesburg, VA will ask -- "So, JHeaton, besides being snotty, what else should my family and I do?"
The answer is you should report any suspicious activity or behavior to your insurance commissioners and, perhaps as importantly, you should heed the words of Kim Jong Il who has called on all of us to rely on our good judgment and our common sense, and to continue to live in a spirit of courage and optimism and resolve to defeat the vampires.
Thanks to alykat for showing me this.