Tags: bad jokes

brutal!, bad bad bad bad

A bad joke

One of the idioms we discussed at English Conversation Time tonight was "rings a bell," as in "I don't think I've met him, but his name rings a bell." I passed up the opportunity to tell the Internationals the joke that phrase brought to mind, but you folks aren't so lucky.

After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame de Paris needed to hire a new bell-ringer. The day after the job opening was announced, a man presented himself at the cathedral to apply for the job. Like Quasimodo, this man had been born deformed: he had no arms. The bishop was dubious that a man with no arms could ring the bells, but the man insisted he could, and asked to be taken up to the bell tower to demonstrate.

Up in the bell tower, the man said to the bishop, "Regardez!" He backed up a few paces, then ran head-first into the nearest bell, which rang as loudly as if he'd pulled on the bell rope.

"Incroyable!" the bishop said. "But that is a relatively small bell. Can you ring a larger one the same way?"

"Bien sûr," the man said. He backed up a little further, and again ran head-first into another, larger bell, causing it to ring with a beautiful clear tone.

"Sacré bleu! If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't have believed it," the bishop said. "But I wonder, will you be able the cathedral's largest bell in that manner?"

"Tout à fait." The man backed up even further ... and stepped backward over the edge of the tower.

"Mon dieu!" The bishop ran down the stairs and out into the street, where he saw the armless man lying dead in the street, surrounded by a crown of horrified onlookers. One of them noticed the bishop standing there, and said, "Mon seigneur, who is this man who fell from the bell tower?"

The bishop shook his head sadly. [Trait final (click to open)]"I don't know his name," he said, "but his face rings a bell."

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UPDATE! As I've gotten deeper into Words of Wonder, I have indeed run across a handful of instances where the level was unsolvable, which you'll recall was a problem for which I had criticized certain bubble saga games. For example, I ran across a level in which I was required to clear two X tiles from the board, but only one X tiles appeared on the board before I ran out of turns. Bad game, bad!

UPDATE! Life imitated art rather forcefully earlier this week, when British Prime Minister David Cameron asked Parliament to endorse military action against Syria in Parliament. Cameron's proposal was widely viewed as an attempt to give the appearance of multinational support for a military response to the Syrian regime's alleged chemical weapon attack against rebel forces in Damascus. This is depressingly similar to what happens in In the Loop: the British government comes to the aid of hawks in the U.S. government by working behind the scenes at the U.N. to bring about a vote authorizing the invasion of Iraq. The difference in this case is that Cameron's attempt to carry water for the White House didn't work; Parliament rejected the proposal by 13 votes. That doesn't seem to be dissuading the administration, which is unfortunate. But hey, it's not like anything bad has ever come of the U.S. attacking another country,right?

UPDATE! The joke I shared on National Tell a Joke Day was not received with universal acclaim:

To be fair, that is not an uncommon reaction to this joke. But my experience is that it seems to get funnier the more you tell it.

UPDATE! The day I spent at the Duck Pond celebrating the Madison Mallards Summer Collegiate World Series championship was followed by a terrible night's sleep. The culprit, I suspect, was the Diet Pepsi I drank at the ballpark. I've all but eliminated caffeinated pop from my diet in the last few weeks, and the soda I had that day was the first I'd had in over a week. When I drank caffeinated drinks regularly, I didn't seem to notice that it had much of an effect on my ability to sleep, but once the caffeine was out of my system, BAM.

UPDATE! As it happens, and much to my surprise, the detours on my two most-frequently ridden bus routes did come to an end on August 25, when the other service improvements took effect. I'm not exaggerating when I say I was surprised; I only knew it was over because I happened to see one of the previously detoured buses running its normal route while waiting for another bus. Not only was there no announcement, the Madison Metro website still listed the detour as being in effect on Monday morning. The detour ended with so little fanfare that just yesterday, the driver of the bus I was riding home took the detour route. Bad driver, bad!

UPDATE! I'm still getting teddyheartluver's match.com emails, but I did finally stop getting promotional emails from Travelocity. The last one arrived on July 12, a little more than two full months after I removed my email address from my Travelocity account, and more than six weeks after I deleted my Travelocity account altogether. I'm really curious as to why I continued to receive the emails and why it took them so long to fix it, but I'm a little wary about contacting them to ask lest they start sending them to me again.

harry potter

Hey, Mike!

I'm told it's National Tell a Joke Day, so here's a joke. If I recall correctly, I first heard this from my college pal Mike H. back in 1989.

This guy wins a ticket to see the Green Bay Packers play the Chicago Bears at Lambeau Field. He's really excited, because he's been a Packers fan all his life but he's never able to see a game in person, and what's more, the divisional championship is on the line. And it's a great seat, too: 20 rows up, on the 50-yard line, right behind the Packers bench.

On game day, he gets to the stadium, buys a beer and some nachos, and settles into his seat, ready to enjoy the game. The Packers win the coin toss and opt to receive, and as the Bears' kicker runs at the ball to start the game, he hears someone behind him yell, "HEY, MIKE!"

He puts down his beer, stands up, turns around, and looks farther up the bowl, trying to see who yelled, but he can't figure it out. So he sits back down, a little irritated that he missed the first play of the game.

The first possession goes well for the Packers, and pretty soon they've made their way down field into field goal position. The special-teams unit runs out, the whistle blows, the ball is snapped, and ... "HEY, MIKE!"

The guy spins and looks around frantically, but again, he can't see who yelled, so he sits back down, now even more irritated.

As the game continues, every few minutes he hears the same person yelling the same thing: "HEY, MIKE!" but he can never spot who's yelling, and his irritation grows. Finally, it just gets to be too much for him. He stands up, turns around, and yells, as loud as he can, "DAMN IT, SHUT UP ALREADY! I'M TRYIN' TO WATCH THE GAME!" He turns to sit back down, but turns back and adds, "[Click for the punchline]AND MY NAME'S NOT MIKE!"